Fighting for “Forever”

 

                We recently had a meeting regarding my oldest and her permanency.  This was a meeting that we had waited for, prepared for, and anticipated a feeling of hope when it closed.  Our preparation was in vain, her very well-articulated and thought out letter was in vain; no voice to be heard.  Tears of frustration and a cycle of feeling defeated surfaced instead.   It wasn’t an all-out horrific meeting, but one that informed us of the time delays and obstacles that could drastically change what forever would look like for our daughter.

                In taking a step back, Thad and I are for the most part used to how things may or may not go with the state. We understand the brokenness of a system that just doesn’t have the resources or support it needs to run efficiently, we understand the human error that can overshadow and prolong an anticipated outcome, we expect for the rescheduling of hearings because we know our court system is over booked and severely behind.  We understand these issues and we prepare for them, but today was different.  This was HER day, a day she hoped to share her voice, to be heard for the child she is and what she has experienced, a day where they would have the opportunity to understand her and where she felt like her journey to forever would finally begin.

                As we sat in that stale, blank conference room with representatives surrounding the elongated table I could almost hear the anxiousness of our heart beats.  I was such a proud mom in that room.  My girl held her head high, she kept her emotions at bay; even when I shed the tears on her behalf.  I knew what she was feeling; the intense pain of not knowing her fate.  She heard things in that room that she had never before been made aware of, talk of the worst case scenarios and potential cultural obstacles; words that shattered her hope.  In strength she sat there calm, maturely and respectfully challenging what they were saying, questioning what her forever would look like.

                Indeed I am so proud of my kiddo, proud of her strength and who she is in spite of her circumstances.  I am very proud, but I am also completely sad and burdened. She is one of the strongest kids I know, yet at the same time so powerless.  As they spoke I could see her spirit deflate within as the realization that she has no control in her forever brutally sank in.  She is a teen….that means she can access birth control without my consent, she can choose an abortion without me ever knowing, yet her voice is mute within the walls of this system.

                Two and a half years of waiting to know whose child you will forever be is difficult for anyone, but even more difficult for a child who wants nothing more than to finalize their forever with a family they love and whom in return love them to the moon and back.