Refined

                I have been contemplating titles appropriate for the message I want to share today. Many came to mind simply based on the emotional roller coaster I have been on.  Just for example I debated on the following titles: “God did I hear you right?”, “Bending until I break”, “What is Your will?”  However, I chose “Refined” for a very specific reason.  For just as silver and gold are refined by fire; the hot pressure and affliction of heat; we too are refined by the afflictions and trials of our lives. 

Psalm 66:10
For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

                Over 6 months ago we welcomed a young man into our home, our family. Our goal was to make him a part of our forever family. As some of you know, we went against every rule we had about adopting out of our birth order, taking in children with certain needs that we did not feel qualified to meet, etc.  However, this young man was presented to us and our hearts melted over him. We prayed and prayed and prayed.  Beyond diligent, we prayed continuously trying to figure out what God’s will for us was.  Believing without a doubt that God had called us to pursue this child and to go against all the rules we had in place for ourselves we moved forward in the process.  Doors opened left and right, everything continued so smoothly. It was apparent that God’s hand was in this, that He wasn’t closing the doors.  So why do we sit here today where we are????

                Last week we had to make the very difficult decision to disrupt the placement.  We did not make it to the moment of saying, “I do” forever to this child.  I cannot go into detail as to why we had to make this decision but it was out of love and the safety of everyone that this decision was made.  We could not believe the position we were in. How in the world could we have been called to this, to break all of our rules, only to end up feeling like failures?  Thad and I have found ourselves in conversations replaying our prayers, replaying how we got to this point.  Lord, did we really listen to your will for us or did we just think we were?? Did you really open all those doors when we asked for them to close if it wasn’t your will or did you just not intervene at all?? I can’t question either of those anymore.  In my heart I know that our intent, our complete desire was to take B into our home and love him forever, to help him heal from the wounds of the last 9 years and to make that difference in his life.  Our intent was pure and whether we listened to our own will or God’s, we believed that we were following what He was calling us to do. We were being obedient.  Before he was ever placed with us, God knew what the outcome was.  He knew we would face some struggles that we have never had to consider before, He knew how many times our hearts would break, and how broken we would feel when this final decision was made.  God is using this affliction. God will use this for many years to come. 

                I don’t know if we had B for the last 6 months just to advocate as much as we had for him.  The amount of services we were able to get him was an insane blessing.  I don’t know if God is going to use this in order to strengthen us as a family, to help us re-establish our rules and boundaries so that we know what our limits are.  Maybe He wanted us to experience this so that we could be better foster parents or so we can better support other families who will go through the same heart aches, struggles, and scares we did. We don’t know why it has ended this way, we don’t know how God will use this to grow us…..but we know without a doubt that God has refined us in this process.  We could not have grown to this extent without God allowing us to experience what we have.  We just continue to pray that as we move forward in our fostering and adopting journey that we only bring Him honor and glory in all we do.  I am hurting but I am thankful that He is choosing to help me/us grow.

When Love Isn’t Enough

                (For those of you who have been reading my blogs, the majority of them come from a place of strength or while in a place of learning and growth.  This blog is a little different. Today I write from a very vulnerable place and from a position of heart ache.  I am raw with grief and frustration.  Our fostering and adopting journey is real and some may disagree with what I am writing, but this is my journey and this is where I am at.)

                I have come to realize that although well intended in my beliefs about this world, I can be very naive.  Over the last couple of months so many things have unraveled before my eyes.  Chaos has crept into every part of my being and has left me really questioning if love is enough.  Don’t take this the wrong way, I still firmly believe that love is what allows healing, love conquers all, love is desired by everyone – even those who are incapable of accepting it or giving it.  Love is the essential “fatty acid” of our existence and our souls.  But in my naïve nature of believing I can “save the world” with enough love, I have landed smack on my face.  Sometimes the reality is that love isn’t enough…

                In our years of being foster parents and caring for those who are in the care of someone other than their biological parents, we have used love to help kids overcome and heal from the effects of trauma. Trauma is ugly…. Trauma is defined as “the condition that produces psychological injury.” It is the inflictor of scars on a person’s soul. Scars that cannot be masked, cannot be removed, cannot be forgotten.  Trauma can be big and it can be small but no matter the size, the details, the length of time it was inflicted or occurred, trauma changes a person.  At some point in our lives each and every one of us experiences something traumatic. It can present itself in the loss of a loved one, abandonment, war, neglect, abuse, etc. These moments are used to define who we are and who we become.  Some will use their experience to try and better themselves, help others, and grow. Others become captives of their trauma – not always by choice. Their trauma takes hold of them and imprisons them; keeping them from being able to move forward, starving them of affection, meaningful relationships, security……LOVE….and so much more. 

                Thad and I have welcomed many trauma “victims” into our lives; not only the children we have brought into our home but those we have been blessed to know through our friends that are also foster parents.  Over the years we have learned that no two children respond the same to the trauma they experience.    Some of the children have this amazing strength and resilience about them and they respond to the nurturing, love, and services of their social workers, foster parents, and even the changes that their birth parents are making.  Other children struggle for years attaching and bonding with the family they are adopted into, some need intensive therapies and never fully overcome the scars marring their soul and causing them to struggle for the rest of their lives.

                The intense scars of trauma are alive and breathing within the walls of my home.  This scarring is none like I have ever experienced before. I have heard of trauma like this, you know those ‘rare’ cases. I believed that the love we could give and pour upon children would make a drastic difference in aiding children as they fight their trauma.  I believed that loving someone enough, pushing them to be their best, pouring out myself to the point of exhaustion would somehow help that child overcome their trauma, help them to learn how to receive and accept love, help them to learn how to reciprocate love, I believed it would help them start to heal.  My heart breaks as I write this because I have hit the wall of reality, full speed ahead.  This collision of reality and hope has created a chaos within me that I can’t seem to get control of.  My love for a child cannot undo the years upon years of hurt, neglect, etc.  Loving a child who does not know how to accept love, who does not know what true love looks like, who fears love, and who has no idea how to love in return cannot overcome their trauma with love alone.  Oh how I wish love was enough. I would give anything for love to be enough right now.

                Trauma is the ugliest thing I have seen.  It rips the innocence from children and replaces the years of carefree bliss with fear, loss, pain, sorrow, and such deep-seated grief that can truly rob a child of all hope and happiness.  Trauma cannot be simply overcome by love. We have tried that, we have put forth every ounce of love we have and it isn’t enough.  I want to scream and shake those birth parents who cause this trauma for these kids, I want to plead with them to refrain from damaging the spirit of their child. I want to beg them to rethink their actions, the situations in which they place their innocent children. I want to show them the end result of what their actions will do.  My heart shatters for those who have been broken by trauma.  At this moment I feel like I have failed because I am incapable of gluing those pieces of brokenness back together. Logically I know I did not inflict this upon this child, but I desperately hoped our love would be enough. I believed that love had the power to heal all wounds; but love is only a part of that healing. Sometimes the wounds of trauma are so deep that intensive therapies are needed even more than love. Sometimes the wounds are too deep to ever reach….

Dear Heavenly Father,

 You know these children, you know their pain. I know full well that my love will never be enough but Lord your love is.  Your loved exceeds all other love and your love can heal all things.  I ask Lord that your healing takes place in the souls and spirits of these victims. I pray for the strength to continue loving without avail and for that love to have a positive impact on those it is poured out upon. I pray for the future of these children, for their protection.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Living in the Moment

                As a parent I think it is natural to have certain expectations in place for your children.  At times it is reasonable to have the same set of expectations for all of your kids and at other times it is completely unreasonable, creating nothing but frustration, failure, and heart ache for both the parent and child.

                The past few weeks have been pretty rough in our house hold.  B has officially been living with us for 3 full months now.  The honey moon period is definitely over.  That isn’t to say that B isn’t a good kid, that we don’t love him, or that we would ever give up on this placement.  What I am saying though is that his needs, his extensive list of needs, has begun to exhaust us in a myriad of ways.  Every day is filled with constant, consistent, and never ending guiding, teaching, directing, disciplining, etc.  Yes, we do this naturally with all of our kids but for most of us we get to pause and break from some of that and just simply enjoy our loved ones.  Recently our experience has lacked any sort of break from it, and that has worn us out completely. 

                Before I go on I have to admit something……  I have too much pride, the unhealthy kind.  I often struggle allowing myself to be human and not super woman. I have very high expectations of myself.  I expect that I can handle whatever is thrown my way, I can handle any and all behaviors, I don’t need breaks and the last thing I want to do is burden others by asking for help.  It has really come to my attention that this is an area God is trying to grow me in.  I am learning, slowly but surely.  Yep, who knew I couldn’t do it all???  Having B in my heart and home has caused me to reach out a lot more than I am comfortable with.  God is using B to help me grow as a mom and as a Christian.

                As we have struggled meeting B’s needs and taking care of our own sanity I have learned a couple very important lessons.  The first thing I have learned is that I need my support system just as much as B needs us.  I have learned that God loves for me to seek out others to pray on our behalf, on behalf of our son.  This weekend God answered our prayer in an amazing way.  We know that B needs consistency, constant guidance, and so on….but what we really needed as a family was to be able to just enjoy his company, for him to shine in all of his strengths, and for us to all have a break from the constant, to just enjoy each other in the moment.  This past weekend my son was an amazing joy.  He and I worked side by side all Sunday, working around the house, grocery shopping, running errands, having special meals together, etc.  The day was so perfect. Not once did I have to do anything more than love and enjoy him for who he is, for the boy that God made so beautiful.  As he and I talked about our day he brought tears to my eyes as he said, “Mom, this was the best day of my life”.  Our expectations of B are not just a challenge for us to maintain, but they are also hard for him to try and constantly meet.  The joy we felt living in the moment with him over the weekend has carried on into this week.  B has been beaming and shinning.  This weekend was not only the best day of my son’s life, but it was also the best day in our forever family’s life. We became a stronger, more loving, and more understanding unit.  Our bond and attachment was blessed and strengthened tremendously.

Dear Lord,

I can’t thank you enough for the grace and blessings you have bestowed upon us. You have called us to love this young man and to make him a permanent part of our family.  Lord thank you for believing in us enough to have chosen him for us and us for him. I pray that we love him through your eyes, that we constantly seek you as we raise him up, and I pray that you continue to use our times of struggle as opportunities for growth and your glory.  We also thank you for allowing us to live in the moment and to enjoy this amazing young man.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Philippians 4:13

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

"I Do"

“I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

May 18th was the 14th anniversary of Thad and I being together. Now this was not our wedding anniversary but the anniversary of when we started dating.  As the memories of our dating resurfaced I also began remembering the days when we finally said, “I do”.  At that moment when we became husband and wife we made a choice, a vow, to love each other no matter the circumstances, no matter how stubborn one of us is or isn’t, no matter how poor or wealthy we were.  We committed ourselves until death do us part.  We entered into a covenant that said, “I will not give up on you, I will not give up on us.”  Getting married was amazing, it was beautiful, it is also a lot of work and at times very hard.

In some ways I view foster care and adoption like a marriage. You go into a relationship with another human being, one you know slightly, if at all, but you know that you love and want to love them and you earnestly want to commit yourself to them.  So why is it that we are reading tragic stories of families sending their adoptive child back to the country they were adopted from; placed on a plane, alone, to be dropped off to no one, to a country they don’t even know anymore? Why are families adopting a child only to turn around and place them back up for adoption?  I get it, parenting isn’t easy.  Raising children takes time, patience, resources, support and so much more, but where is that dedication, where is that “till death do us part”? 

We have adopted 2 children and are in the process of adopting a third.  In fact, our third adoption is one where we did not even know the child before making a commitment to him.  The road of adoption is not easy, you do not know what issues or struggles you will be faced with.  Reality is that you don’t know what you will face with your own biological children. Would those same people shipping their adoptive children off do the same with their own biological children if they were more challenging then they anticipated? 

I have said this before, adoption and foster care is not for the meek.  In my heart I feel like as foster/adoptive parents we too must say, “I do” to the children we bring into our hearts and homes.

“I, Nicole, take you , vulnerable and hurting child, to have and to hold, to love, to discipline, to cherish, to honor, respect, raise up in love, to nurture, to advocate for, to never give up on.  I promise to continue loving you even during challenging times, I will love you through those moments when I want to pull my hair out, when I am frustrated and exhausted, and in all this I promise to fully commit my life to you until death do us part.”

These past few months as we have gotten to know B and as we have grown together as a new and more complete family, we have been faced with many frustrations, struggles, and moments where we wonder if we are crazy for doing what we do.  No matter the struggles we face and will continue to face as we raise children who have lived in the system, who have “baggage” as many people call it, who have extreme needs (social, emotional, mental, educational, etc), Thad and I have made a covenant with these children.  There are moments where throwing the towel in would be so much easier and giving up would make life easier (but only for us).  God has placed these children in our lives for a reason and we take that placement very seriously.  When we feel overwhelmed and beyond frustrated, it is our vow that reminds us that love is a choice, working on a relationship takes work and sacrifice, and that time will bring about many blessings for these children as we continue to raise them up in love and not toss them aside because it is challenging.

I pray that more families make a pledge of commitment before entering into adoption. These children are not garbage you can throw away, they are the future of our country that need to be advocated for and cared for.  My heart prays for those children who have been tossed aside. I pray that they find that family that will love them completely and commit to them forever. I pray that they will know their value and worth is so much more than what has been demonstrated.

Ephesians 4:1-2 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Dreaming of Mother's Day

                When I was 3 years old I had a pretend mom living in my closet.  Most kids have an invisible friend, a special blankie, a lovey they cling to, something other than the sad story of an invisible mother.  This mom was the “mother” I turned to, that I talked to, that I played out the roles of mother and daughter with.  Unfortunately my mother chose a different life other than the one with her husband and two young children when I was just a year old.  I was raised by the most amazing, loving, and dedicated father a child could ask for, but even at the age of 3 I knew what it meant to be motherless.  It was at that age that I can vividly remember making the decision to adopt.  I remember holding my baby doll as I looked at it lovingly and telling my dad that I wanted to have a lot of money when I was “old” so I could own an orphanage and love all the kids no one else wanted to.  God was planting a major seed in that torn 3 year old heart. 

                My mother may not have been there to teach me right from wrong, to hold me when I hurt, to help me plan my wedding or anything else, but there is one thing she did teach me (even if unintentionally); she taught me what kind of mother I never wanted to be.  Because of the hurt and the abandonment I experienced with my own mom, God was able to mold me into a mother that is devoted completely to her children and to children who don’t have mothers.  He has blessed me with the ability to understand and have compassion for those who are in search of that unconditional love. 

                From that very young age, I knew that I was meant to be a mother.  If there was only one thing I could be, that was it.  God continued to plant the seed of adoption and foster care in my heart for years as I grew into a teen and then into a young adult.  Of course I had wanted biological children as well.  Becoming a mother was not easy for us.  We decided to try to conceive our own before ever pursuing adoption.  After 3 miscarriages and a lot of infertility, we knew that God was calling us to adopt first.  In the midst of the losses I definitely could not see the rainbow that was to soon follow the storm we were in, but looking back I am so thankful for those losses!  My heart may have broke into millions of pieces and with each loss a part of me felt like it died, but nothing can replace the healing and the miracle of the birth of our oldest and adopted daughter.  Her birth was a restoration of my faith, an example of God’s amazing glory and faithfulness, and just the beginning of our story and passion for the fatherless.  I became a mother with that first pregnancy but I did not get to live as a mommy until the moment of Elena’s birth.

                There are many of you out there that are either mothers (adoptive, foster, or biological) or possibly a woman that desires nothing more than to become a mother.  Today I want to tell you how thankful I am for the role that you have chosen, for loving your children with all of your heart, for bringing into the world a miracle and for everything you sacrifice daily to be the person your family  needs.  God has blessed you with the role of all roles, He has entrusted you with bundles of joy, chaos, frustration, and most of all love J.  You were chosen for those children and I am thankful that you have taken on that role. 

                This mother’s day I look at my beautiful children and I don’t need any gifts from my husband or any of my kids.  The greatest gift I could have ever been given is the blessing of being a mom. I am an adoptive mother, a foster mother, and a biological mother.  My heart became complete the day I became mommy.  I pray your heart is filled with joy on this day! May you have an amazing Mother’s Day!

Intentional Bonding

                Today we celebrated the 9^th birthday of our first child.  As I sat across the table from her at the restaurant of her choice, I joyfully fell back into the memories of that day when we first met her.  Prior to that day we had no idea if she were a boy or a girl, if her birth parents would lay eyes on her, fall in love and change their mind leaving our hearts empty.  We were so giddy and like little children awaiting the most anticipated gift ever as we entered the hospital. We pondered what she looked like, would we think she was the most beautiful baby in the world like all the other parents (and of course we did), would she realize we were mom and dad, would the name we picked out fit her??? One huge question that really weighed on us was; “Would we be able to bond quickly?”. After all, the nine months most parents have to bond with the child they are expecting did not happen for us.  Elena’s arrival was 6 short weeks after we learned about the possibility of adopting her. 

                I remember leaving that hospital a family, feeling so much love and protection for my princess.  As we drove down the freeway, an hour to our home from her birth place, I sat in the back with Elena as if it would somehow “protect” her from any potential harm.   Thad ever so cautiously drove in the right lane, under the speed limit, getting anxious and frustrated as each semi-truck “carelessly” drove past us.  Bonding with that newborn baby was easy; it came completely natural to her and to us.  That baby girl relied on us for her every need.  Her fuss, her gaze, the sweet and innocent coo, and even the smelly diapers and spit up drew us into her world deeper and deeper each day.  The act of cuddling, caring for, and comforting that bundle of sweetness did not require any intentional motives to bond, it just happened.  Simply put, bonding was effortless. 

                Lately Thad and I have had to face the reality that bonding is not always this natural, nor this easy.  Of course bonding is going to happen fairly easy when you bring a baby into your home, there are more ways for bonding to occur that you don’t even have to think about.  Bringing an older child into your home is drastically different; at least it has been for us.  It has been a little over 2 months since we welcomed B into our family. As hard as it is to admit, bonding has been more of a challenge than we anticipated.  Let me rephrase that, at times it has been so challenging that we question our ability to overcome it.  We know that God called us to this adoption, we trust that God will also carry us through the obstacles we face and will face from here on out.  But man can it be frustrating trying to figure out how to get from complete strangers one day to loving, caring, devoted family the next.  As I say this I want to make it very clear that loving a child is very different and separate from being bonded with a child.  We love B, we want to protect him, nurture him, and keep him from any harm – but we are not completely bonded with B yet.

 As a 9 year old boy, he would prefer that we don’t cuddle him – which would feel a bit awkward for us anyhowJ.  B is able to feed himself, bathe himself, and get his basic needs met without much help from us. Aside from transporting him, purchasing the food in the house, and providing him with shelter he could probably do very well without us in terms of meeting his basic needs for survival.  As much as we love B, we have found it so much harder to bond with him.  Bonding doesn’t just happen with older kids.  We have had to create intentional bonding opportunities that not only bring B into our world but also pull us into his. He has an entire history, a past that has not included us.  Not every day is a struggle. We rejoice in those moments when we know bonding and trust is being established; we see the difference the passing weeks makes in how we grow as a forever family.  Bonding may take more effort and more time, but we will diligently continue creating those moments with him. 

As much as I wish bonding with B was as easy as it was with Elena and TJ as newborns, I am also extremely thankful for the lessons God has been teaching us along the way.

The Growing Season

                In the Bible one of my favorite books is the book of Job.  The tragic story of a man weathering a multitude of storms; continuously facing trials and tribulations, only to overcome the suffering which brings rejoicing and glory to God.  There have been seasons in my life that may not have compared to the magnitude of trials that Job had, but none the less were high classed hurricanes for me and my family. 

                The past few weeks I have felt as if our family was in the midst of a storm.  Two of our children have some pretty high needs and their needs have started taking a toll on us.  My weeks have consisted of being in the car from 7 am until 4:30 pm running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, completing missed school work, homework, social workers, on top of working full time, preparing for a week of camp with my 6^th graders, and maintaining a household of six. As you can imagine this has made for one exhausted and cranky mama!!  This kind of stress has a tendency of transferring over to my marriage as well, which only increases the strength of the storm.

                In the book of Job, Satan approached God and asked to test his servant.  Job lost his family, his wealth, his health, his status in the community, you name it, Job lost it.  The only thing Job never lost was his faith……  No matter the tribulation set before Job, Satan was never successful in his attempt to part Job from God.  I realize this past week that as we faced the testing and struggles of our children’s needs and the stress it placed on the entire family, including our marriage, we had to remain grounded in our faith and in what God was calling us to accomplish. 

Like the very special serotinus pine trees, the “storms” we faced the past few weeks were/are necessary for our growth.  These trees have special cones that will not release their seeds until they have been exposed to extreme heat.  In other words, if these trees do not endure a fire storm, their cones do not open to release their seeds for reproduction and growth will never happen. God has designed all of us to “grow” and “produce” after being refined in the midst of life’s storms.  With every storm we face and each season of sacrifice, God is able to use us in bigger and better ways, refining us so that we may bring Him glory and honor in all we do. 

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Find joy in your season of growth.