I feel
like I need to give a brief update as our life has changed a lot over the last
5 months. Back in August we had to disrupt our placement of B. If you have read
any of the previous blogs or even noticed the gap of time that passed in
between blogs, you will know that the decision and act of disrupting that
placement was extremely heart breaking.
The grief I felt as a mother for the risk that was posed to our other
children, in addition to the grief that I have for him. I was not fully prepared for the grief I
would experience. There was a tremendous
amount of mixed emotions, but mostly pain that I felt and still feel for him as
I begin to realize and accept how B’s
life is more than likely going to turn out.
However, in the midst of this I see God’s hand completely at work. God
used the timing of his departure and the struggles we faced to ultimately
glorify Him. We couldn’t see it then, but we definitely are seeing some of it
now. I know the bigger picture has yet
to be painted, but the masterpiece has begun to take shape.
When B
left our house, Thad and I felt like we needed to take a break from foster
care, just for a short time. We knew that our hearts needed to heal and that
our children needed to grieve and process as well. Yet, as it typically
happens, that isn’t what God had in mind for us. In fact, the timing of B’s
departure from our home was in God’s eyes, the perfect time to bring David back
into our home…..forever. Within just two weeks of B returning to his previous
foster home, David returned to us. David
had lived with us previously for about 7-8 months and even at that time we had
prepared to adopt him. When he came into our hearts the first time, he had
already had multiple placements and it was at that time we made a vow that we
would always be there for him. When he left our home the first time we did not
say good-bye. We remained a part of David’s life; we celebrated birthdays and
holidays with him. Little did we know that maintaining this relationship with
David would play an enormous part in his future.
In September
we started the process of making him our son, forever. After a year and a half of him living apart
from us we felt our family becoming complete. On December 27th we
finalized our adoption of David. Even
though David has been in our life for the past 2 ½ years, both in our home and
out, he has some grieving to do. He was not living with us for the last year
and a half. He had a life, a routine, a different bedroom, a different home and
it was what he had known. He had a bond with us, but his life was not
completely with us. The past four months we have been building security, being
a safety net as he grieves his previous home, we have been strengthening our
bond and attachment, together we are growing as a completed family.
Each
day we have been blessed to see how his attachment to us has strengthened. Last
night he brought tears of joy and sorrow to my eyes. As I laid down with him,
snuggled him, and prepared him for bed
we discussed the next day’s events.
David loves his grammy so much and I was telling him about the fun plans she
had for him in the morning. David looked
at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, “Mommy, I am going to miss you”.
That moment his love for us shined through in such a strong and deep way. It
may not seem huge to those who do not understand the attachment and trauma
issues of children who have experienced so much in a short amount of time, but
those words are huge!!!! After I told him how much I would miss him as well, he
again looked at me and his next words broke my heart…”Mommy, do I get to come
back home?” My sweet, 3 year old baby
boy, whom I love with all of my heart still feels that fear of possibly being
disrupted and moved again. My heart cries for him, I know that his fear is
based off of the reality of his life. I
hurt for him because I know it is going to take time before he fully
understands and feels the security and safety that he is home for good. As I tried
to hold back my tears for him, I snuggled him and whispered to him, “Baby boy,
you will always come back home, this is your home forever and you will never
have to live anywhere else again.”
God
brought David home forever and his healing is taking place at this moment.
