What is Adoption Really Like?

 

                I am beyond blessed by the family that God has chosen for me.  People look at our family and at times call us amazing and inspiring…..sweet, kind words that make my heart smile as I know  it is His light that they are seeing and calling amazing.  But adoption is more than blessings, more than an amazing act, adoption has sadness and grief, it has pain and sorrow.

                Thad and I have experienced a few different types of adoption – private, foster to adopt, and another very unique type.  Each adoption is different, yet the same in other ways.  For us, God chose ¾ of our children to be born from another’s tummy, but all to be born from our hearts.  Each of our 3 adopted children had come to us in different ways, but all have come from places of hurt.  When I think about how blessed I am to be the mother of these children and how crazy in love I am with each of them, I also think about the loss that had to happen in order for these children to be my babies.  Private adoption or foster to adopt, another person had to feel pain and/or sacrifice when they chose an adoption plan for their baby or when their child was taken away from them by the state because they were not in a position where they could safely raise him/her.  My children will always have a sense of wonder about their biological families and my children that had a life with their biological parents will grieve that loss. 

                Adopting is the most incredible journey; it is an experience of unconditional love, courage, growth, and for us a complete walk in faith.  Adopting has been the magical key that has grown and completed our family. I look at my children and even though they are all different shades of beauty, I forget that they were not born of my body.  Each day I am so thankful for my “God Chosen” family and my heart is overwhelmed with joy and love, and as I look into their faces I am reminded of the pain and sorrow that had to occur in order for us to gain these blessings.  For the mother that specifically chose us to be the adoptive parents of her daughter, I have an unexplainable love for her.  I see her in my daughter’s face and my gratitude cannot be expressed with words, then in the same breath my heart hurts for her because I know her decision was not easy.  I will live each day acknowledging the sacrificial choice she made and I love her deeply for it.  When I look into the face of one of my sons, I am reminded of the trauma that had to occur for him to be with us.  Even though the circumstances of his birth mother’s life were the cause of him being with us, I grieve for her as the loss was not her choice – even though he would not be safe with her, she still loved him the best she could.  For the family member who loves the child so much that they chose for him to be in a family with a mom and a dad, they grieve and hurt too because of the sacrifice they have made.   Adoption is my heart, caring for the orphan is my passion; it has brought so much happiness and joy into our lives, and it has completed our family.... I just wish it didn't come at the price of pain for someone else.

                I am so thankful for the ability to adopt and for our beautiful family, but I will always struggle knowing  the pain others had to feel in order for our children to be brought into our lives.

Generosity.......

       Over the past four weeks my front room has been displaced by a multitude of gifts.  In fact, close to 500 gifts for foster children to be more precise. This is the 4th or 5th year that I have worked on collecting gifts for foster children and by far it has been the most amazing, most touching year of all. Truly, I was not prepared for the magnitude of love and generosity that I would witness from local businesses, friends, family, and strangers. 

      For a child who has been displaced from their home, whether it is deemed a "bad" home or not, they are still being taken from the one family they know and love.  The trauma they experience, the neglect, the abuse, whatever the reason may be for removing them does not take away the love they have for their parents and family.  Some of these kids are not even in foster homes with their siblings, they enter into a new, hopefully temporary home where they know no-one.  Even for us adults who have lost loved ones, who are apart from our loved ones, we often feel a sense of sadness and grief during the holidays.  We can express that and identify that within ourselves.  These children don't have these skills yet and can't rationalize their situation. So when the holidays come and they are without the family they have always known they feel fear, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness, and so much more.  These children have no idea what the holidays will bring.....will they have a gift to open at Christmas, what will the new traditions be, will they feel like they are special and a part of this new family that is happy and joyous to be together, will they be accepted and loved? 

     When we collect gifts for these kids for Christmas, our goal is to show them a generous amount of love.  A love that they may be receiving for the first time in their life, or just as importantly it is a love that they are receiving while in a very vulnerable state, a love from strangers that says, "You are special, you are not your circumstance, and we have so much hope for you and your future.  You are not forgotten and you are worthy."

    The definition of generous is this:
    Generous: Liberal in giving or sharing; unselfishness

    These past few weeks I have witnessed this definition in action.  The generosity that has poured out from others has left me absolutely speechless and at times in tears of joy.  We have had individuals who were foster children themselves who have poured out their empathy for these kids by blessing them with the most awesome gifts.  We have had people who have never even met a foster child but wanted to pour out their love to them and help make them feel special and honored.  There have been multiple children who have spent their own money to help another child in need.  Families who have very little took on more than one child to sponsor and gave all.  Communities and business came together, making a difference.  This process, this experience, has been overwhelming and the impact that single individuals are having on these children is what this entire season is about. 

 Matthew 25:  34-40
³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

     Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ.  His birth was the beginning of the perfect gift....salvation.  Jesus did not come into this world and offer his gift to us begrudgingly, he offered himself in love and freely without expectation of anything in return.  Presently, Christmas is a day that we typically expect to "receive",......this year so many chose to give instead.  Not only did they give to these children but their service to the least of these also served Him.

    I can't thank Foster Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Vigor Ground Fitness Center, Rainier Christian Schools - Highlands Campus, and numerous friends of mine who took the initiative to sponsor a child and collect gifts for these kids.  My goal was to collect at least 100 gifts this year......my goal was exceed 5 times what I hoped.  The impact is greater than I could have ever dreamed and many more children will be blessed this Christmas because of all of you.  I thank you in a way that words cannot express, without you this would not have been possible.

     Merry Christmas and may many blessings be upon you this coming year.

Refined

                I have been contemplating titles appropriate for the message I want to share today. Many came to mind simply based on the emotional roller coaster I have been on.  Just for example I debated on the following titles: “God did I hear you right?”, “Bending until I break”, “What is Your will?”  However, I chose “Refined” for a very specific reason.  For just as silver and gold are refined by fire; the hot pressure and affliction of heat; we too are refined by the afflictions and trials of our lives. 

Psalm 66:10
For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

                Over 6 months ago we welcomed a young man into our home, our family. Our goal was to make him a part of our forever family. As some of you know, we went against every rule we had about adopting out of our birth order, taking in children with certain needs that we did not feel qualified to meet, etc.  However, this young man was presented to us and our hearts melted over him. We prayed and prayed and prayed.  Beyond diligent, we prayed continuously trying to figure out what God’s will for us was.  Believing without a doubt that God had called us to pursue this child and to go against all the rules we had in place for ourselves we moved forward in the process.  Doors opened left and right, everything continued so smoothly. It was apparent that God’s hand was in this, that He wasn’t closing the doors.  So why do we sit here today where we are????

                Last week we had to make the very difficult decision to disrupt the placement.  We did not make it to the moment of saying, “I do” forever to this child.  I cannot go into detail as to why we had to make this decision but it was out of love and the safety of everyone that this decision was made.  We could not believe the position we were in. How in the world could we have been called to this, to break all of our rules, only to end up feeling like failures?  Thad and I have found ourselves in conversations replaying our prayers, replaying how we got to this point.  Lord, did we really listen to your will for us or did we just think we were?? Did you really open all those doors when we asked for them to close if it wasn’t your will or did you just not intervene at all?? I can’t question either of those anymore.  In my heart I know that our intent, our complete desire was to take B into our home and love him forever, to help him heal from the wounds of the last 9 years and to make that difference in his life.  Our intent was pure and whether we listened to our own will or God’s, we believed that we were following what He was calling us to do. We were being obedient.  Before he was ever placed with us, God knew what the outcome was.  He knew we would face some struggles that we have never had to consider before, He knew how many times our hearts would break, and how broken we would feel when this final decision was made.  God is using this affliction. God will use this for many years to come. 

                I don’t know if we had B for the last 6 months just to advocate as much as we had for him.  The amount of services we were able to get him was an insane blessing.  I don’t know if God is going to use this in order to strengthen us as a family, to help us re-establish our rules and boundaries so that we know what our limits are.  Maybe He wanted us to experience this so that we could be better foster parents or so we can better support other families who will go through the same heart aches, struggles, and scares we did. We don’t know why it has ended this way, we don’t know how God will use this to grow us…..but we know without a doubt that God has refined us in this process.  We could not have grown to this extent without God allowing us to experience what we have.  We just continue to pray that as we move forward in our fostering and adopting journey that we only bring Him honor and glory in all we do.  I am hurting but I am thankful that He is choosing to help me/us grow.

When Love Isn’t Enough

                (For those of you who have been reading my blogs, the majority of them come from a place of strength or while in a place of learning and growth.  This blog is a little different. Today I write from a very vulnerable place and from a position of heart ache.  I am raw with grief and frustration.  Our fostering and adopting journey is real and some may disagree with what I am writing, but this is my journey and this is where I am at.)

                I have come to realize that although well intended in my beliefs about this world, I can be very naive.  Over the last couple of months so many things have unraveled before my eyes.  Chaos has crept into every part of my being and has left me really questioning if love is enough.  Don’t take this the wrong way, I still firmly believe that love is what allows healing, love conquers all, love is desired by everyone – even those who are incapable of accepting it or giving it.  Love is the essential “fatty acid” of our existence and our souls.  But in my naïve nature of believing I can “save the world” with enough love, I have landed smack on my face.  Sometimes the reality is that love isn’t enough…

                In our years of being foster parents and caring for those who are in the care of someone other than their biological parents, we have used love to help kids overcome and heal from the effects of trauma. Trauma is ugly…. Trauma is defined as “the condition that produces psychological injury.” It is the inflictor of scars on a person’s soul. Scars that cannot be masked, cannot be removed, cannot be forgotten.  Trauma can be big and it can be small but no matter the size, the details, the length of time it was inflicted or occurred, trauma changes a person.  At some point in our lives each and every one of us experiences something traumatic. It can present itself in the loss of a loved one, abandonment, war, neglect, abuse, etc. These moments are used to define who we are and who we become.  Some will use their experience to try and better themselves, help others, and grow. Others become captives of their trauma – not always by choice. Their trauma takes hold of them and imprisons them; keeping them from being able to move forward, starving them of affection, meaningful relationships, security……LOVE….and so much more. 

                Thad and I have welcomed many trauma “victims” into our lives; not only the children we have brought into our home but those we have been blessed to know through our friends that are also foster parents.  Over the years we have learned that no two children respond the same to the trauma they experience.    Some of the children have this amazing strength and resilience about them and they respond to the nurturing, love, and services of their social workers, foster parents, and even the changes that their birth parents are making.  Other children struggle for years attaching and bonding with the family they are adopted into, some need intensive therapies and never fully overcome the scars marring their soul and causing them to struggle for the rest of their lives.

                The intense scars of trauma are alive and breathing within the walls of my home.  This scarring is none like I have ever experienced before. I have heard of trauma like this, you know those ‘rare’ cases. I believed that the love we could give and pour upon children would make a drastic difference in aiding children as they fight their trauma.  I believed that loving someone enough, pushing them to be their best, pouring out myself to the point of exhaustion would somehow help that child overcome their trauma, help them to learn how to receive and accept love, help them to learn how to reciprocate love, I believed it would help them start to heal.  My heart breaks as I write this because I have hit the wall of reality, full speed ahead.  This collision of reality and hope has created a chaos within me that I can’t seem to get control of.  My love for a child cannot undo the years upon years of hurt, neglect, etc.  Loving a child who does not know how to accept love, who does not know what true love looks like, who fears love, and who has no idea how to love in return cannot overcome their trauma with love alone.  Oh how I wish love was enough. I would give anything for love to be enough right now.

                Trauma is the ugliest thing I have seen.  It rips the innocence from children and replaces the years of carefree bliss with fear, loss, pain, sorrow, and such deep-seated grief that can truly rob a child of all hope and happiness.  Trauma cannot be simply overcome by love. We have tried that, we have put forth every ounce of love we have and it isn’t enough.  I want to scream and shake those birth parents who cause this trauma for these kids, I want to plead with them to refrain from damaging the spirit of their child. I want to beg them to rethink their actions, the situations in which they place their innocent children. I want to show them the end result of what their actions will do.  My heart shatters for those who have been broken by trauma.  At this moment I feel like I have failed because I am incapable of gluing those pieces of brokenness back together. Logically I know I did not inflict this upon this child, but I desperately hoped our love would be enough. I believed that love had the power to heal all wounds; but love is only a part of that healing. Sometimes the wounds of trauma are so deep that intensive therapies are needed even more than love. Sometimes the wounds are too deep to ever reach….

Dear Heavenly Father,

 You know these children, you know their pain. I know full well that my love will never be enough but Lord your love is.  Your loved exceeds all other love and your love can heal all things.  I ask Lord that your healing takes place in the souls and spirits of these victims. I pray for the strength to continue loving without avail and for that love to have a positive impact on those it is poured out upon. I pray for the future of these children, for their protection.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Living in the Moment

                As a parent I think it is natural to have certain expectations in place for your children.  At times it is reasonable to have the same set of expectations for all of your kids and at other times it is completely unreasonable, creating nothing but frustration, failure, and heart ache for both the parent and child.

                The past few weeks have been pretty rough in our house hold.  B has officially been living with us for 3 full months now.  The honey moon period is definitely over.  That isn’t to say that B isn’t a good kid, that we don’t love him, or that we would ever give up on this placement.  What I am saying though is that his needs, his extensive list of needs, has begun to exhaust us in a myriad of ways.  Every day is filled with constant, consistent, and never ending guiding, teaching, directing, disciplining, etc.  Yes, we do this naturally with all of our kids but for most of us we get to pause and break from some of that and just simply enjoy our loved ones.  Recently our experience has lacked any sort of break from it, and that has worn us out completely. 

                Before I go on I have to admit something……  I have too much pride, the unhealthy kind.  I often struggle allowing myself to be human and not super woman. I have very high expectations of myself.  I expect that I can handle whatever is thrown my way, I can handle any and all behaviors, I don’t need breaks and the last thing I want to do is burden others by asking for help.  It has really come to my attention that this is an area God is trying to grow me in.  I am learning, slowly but surely.  Yep, who knew I couldn’t do it all???  Having B in my heart and home has caused me to reach out a lot more than I am comfortable with.  God is using B to help me grow as a mom and as a Christian.

                As we have struggled meeting B’s needs and taking care of our own sanity I have learned a couple very important lessons.  The first thing I have learned is that I need my support system just as much as B needs us.  I have learned that God loves for me to seek out others to pray on our behalf, on behalf of our son.  This weekend God answered our prayer in an amazing way.  We know that B needs consistency, constant guidance, and so on….but what we really needed as a family was to be able to just enjoy his company, for him to shine in all of his strengths, and for us to all have a break from the constant, to just enjoy each other in the moment.  This past weekend my son was an amazing joy.  He and I worked side by side all Sunday, working around the house, grocery shopping, running errands, having special meals together, etc.  The day was so perfect. Not once did I have to do anything more than love and enjoy him for who he is, for the boy that God made so beautiful.  As he and I talked about our day he brought tears to my eyes as he said, “Mom, this was the best day of my life”.  Our expectations of B are not just a challenge for us to maintain, but they are also hard for him to try and constantly meet.  The joy we felt living in the moment with him over the weekend has carried on into this week.  B has been beaming and shinning.  This weekend was not only the best day of my son’s life, but it was also the best day in our forever family’s life. We became a stronger, more loving, and more understanding unit.  Our bond and attachment was blessed and strengthened tremendously.

Dear Lord,

I can’t thank you enough for the grace and blessings you have bestowed upon us. You have called us to love this young man and to make him a permanent part of our family.  Lord thank you for believing in us enough to have chosen him for us and us for him. I pray that we love him through your eyes, that we constantly seek you as we raise him up, and I pray that you continue to use our times of struggle as opportunities for growth and your glory.  We also thank you for allowing us to live in the moment and to enjoy this amazing young man.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Philippians 4:13

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

"I Do"

“I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

May 18th was the 14th anniversary of Thad and I being together. Now this was not our wedding anniversary but the anniversary of when we started dating.  As the memories of our dating resurfaced I also began remembering the days when we finally said, “I do”.  At that moment when we became husband and wife we made a choice, a vow, to love each other no matter the circumstances, no matter how stubborn one of us is or isn’t, no matter how poor or wealthy we were.  We committed ourselves until death do us part.  We entered into a covenant that said, “I will not give up on you, I will not give up on us.”  Getting married was amazing, it was beautiful, it is also a lot of work and at times very hard.

In some ways I view foster care and adoption like a marriage. You go into a relationship with another human being, one you know slightly, if at all, but you know that you love and want to love them and you earnestly want to commit yourself to them.  So why is it that we are reading tragic stories of families sending their adoptive child back to the country they were adopted from; placed on a plane, alone, to be dropped off to no one, to a country they don’t even know anymore? Why are families adopting a child only to turn around and place them back up for adoption?  I get it, parenting isn’t easy.  Raising children takes time, patience, resources, support and so much more, but where is that dedication, where is that “till death do us part”? 

We have adopted 2 children and are in the process of adopting a third.  In fact, our third adoption is one where we did not even know the child before making a commitment to him.  The road of adoption is not easy, you do not know what issues or struggles you will be faced with.  Reality is that you don’t know what you will face with your own biological children. Would those same people shipping their adoptive children off do the same with their own biological children if they were more challenging then they anticipated? 

I have said this before, adoption and foster care is not for the meek.  In my heart I feel like as foster/adoptive parents we too must say, “I do” to the children we bring into our hearts and homes.

“I, Nicole, take you , vulnerable and hurting child, to have and to hold, to love, to discipline, to cherish, to honor, respect, raise up in love, to nurture, to advocate for, to never give up on.  I promise to continue loving you even during challenging times, I will love you through those moments when I want to pull my hair out, when I am frustrated and exhausted, and in all this I promise to fully commit my life to you until death do us part.”

These past few months as we have gotten to know B and as we have grown together as a new and more complete family, we have been faced with many frustrations, struggles, and moments where we wonder if we are crazy for doing what we do.  No matter the struggles we face and will continue to face as we raise children who have lived in the system, who have “baggage” as many people call it, who have extreme needs (social, emotional, mental, educational, etc), Thad and I have made a covenant with these children.  There are moments where throwing the towel in would be so much easier and giving up would make life easier (but only for us).  God has placed these children in our lives for a reason and we take that placement very seriously.  When we feel overwhelmed and beyond frustrated, it is our vow that reminds us that love is a choice, working on a relationship takes work and sacrifice, and that time will bring about many blessings for these children as we continue to raise them up in love and not toss them aside because it is challenging.

I pray that more families make a pledge of commitment before entering into adoption. These children are not garbage you can throw away, they are the future of our country that need to be advocated for and cared for.  My heart prays for those children who have been tossed aside. I pray that they find that family that will love them completely and commit to them forever. I pray that they will know their value and worth is so much more than what has been demonstrated.

Ephesians 4:1-2 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Dreaming of Mother's Day

                When I was 3 years old I had a pretend mom living in my closet.  Most kids have an invisible friend, a special blankie, a lovey they cling to, something other than the sad story of an invisible mother.  This mom was the “mother” I turned to, that I talked to, that I played out the roles of mother and daughter with.  Unfortunately my mother chose a different life other than the one with her husband and two young children when I was just a year old.  I was raised by the most amazing, loving, and dedicated father a child could ask for, but even at the age of 3 I knew what it meant to be motherless.  It was at that age that I can vividly remember making the decision to adopt.  I remember holding my baby doll as I looked at it lovingly and telling my dad that I wanted to have a lot of money when I was “old” so I could own an orphanage and love all the kids no one else wanted to.  God was planting a major seed in that torn 3 year old heart. 

                My mother may not have been there to teach me right from wrong, to hold me when I hurt, to help me plan my wedding or anything else, but there is one thing she did teach me (even if unintentionally); she taught me what kind of mother I never wanted to be.  Because of the hurt and the abandonment I experienced with my own mom, God was able to mold me into a mother that is devoted completely to her children and to children who don’t have mothers.  He has blessed me with the ability to understand and have compassion for those who are in search of that unconditional love. 

                From that very young age, I knew that I was meant to be a mother.  If there was only one thing I could be, that was it.  God continued to plant the seed of adoption and foster care in my heart for years as I grew into a teen and then into a young adult.  Of course I had wanted biological children as well.  Becoming a mother was not easy for us.  We decided to try to conceive our own before ever pursuing adoption.  After 3 miscarriages and a lot of infertility, we knew that God was calling us to adopt first.  In the midst of the losses I definitely could not see the rainbow that was to soon follow the storm we were in, but looking back I am so thankful for those losses!  My heart may have broke into millions of pieces and with each loss a part of me felt like it died, but nothing can replace the healing and the miracle of the birth of our oldest and adopted daughter.  Her birth was a restoration of my faith, an example of God’s amazing glory and faithfulness, and just the beginning of our story and passion for the fatherless.  I became a mother with that first pregnancy but I did not get to live as a mommy until the moment of Elena’s birth.

                There are many of you out there that are either mothers (adoptive, foster, or biological) or possibly a woman that desires nothing more than to become a mother.  Today I want to tell you how thankful I am for the role that you have chosen, for loving your children with all of your heart, for bringing into the world a miracle and for everything you sacrifice daily to be the person your family  needs.  God has blessed you with the role of all roles, He has entrusted you with bundles of joy, chaos, frustration, and most of all love J.  You were chosen for those children and I am thankful that you have taken on that role. 

                This mother’s day I look at my beautiful children and I don’t need any gifts from my husband or any of my kids.  The greatest gift I could have ever been given is the blessing of being a mom. I am an adoptive mother, a foster mother, and a biological mother.  My heart became complete the day I became mommy.  I pray your heart is filled with joy on this day! May you have an amazing Mother’s Day!

Intentional Bonding

                Today we celebrated the 9^th birthday of our first child.  As I sat across the table from her at the restaurant of her choice, I joyfully fell back into the memories of that day when we first met her.  Prior to that day we had no idea if she were a boy or a girl, if her birth parents would lay eyes on her, fall in love and change their mind leaving our hearts empty.  We were so giddy and like little children awaiting the most anticipated gift ever as we entered the hospital. We pondered what she looked like, would we think she was the most beautiful baby in the world like all the other parents (and of course we did), would she realize we were mom and dad, would the name we picked out fit her??? One huge question that really weighed on us was; “Would we be able to bond quickly?”. After all, the nine months most parents have to bond with the child they are expecting did not happen for us.  Elena’s arrival was 6 short weeks after we learned about the possibility of adopting her. 

                I remember leaving that hospital a family, feeling so much love and protection for my princess.  As we drove down the freeway, an hour to our home from her birth place, I sat in the back with Elena as if it would somehow “protect” her from any potential harm.   Thad ever so cautiously drove in the right lane, under the speed limit, getting anxious and frustrated as each semi-truck “carelessly” drove past us.  Bonding with that newborn baby was easy; it came completely natural to her and to us.  That baby girl relied on us for her every need.  Her fuss, her gaze, the sweet and innocent coo, and even the smelly diapers and spit up drew us into her world deeper and deeper each day.  The act of cuddling, caring for, and comforting that bundle of sweetness did not require any intentional motives to bond, it just happened.  Simply put, bonding was effortless. 

                Lately Thad and I have had to face the reality that bonding is not always this natural, nor this easy.  Of course bonding is going to happen fairly easy when you bring a baby into your home, there are more ways for bonding to occur that you don’t even have to think about.  Bringing an older child into your home is drastically different; at least it has been for us.  It has been a little over 2 months since we welcomed B into our family. As hard as it is to admit, bonding has been more of a challenge than we anticipated.  Let me rephrase that, at times it has been so challenging that we question our ability to overcome it.  We know that God called us to this adoption, we trust that God will also carry us through the obstacles we face and will face from here on out.  But man can it be frustrating trying to figure out how to get from complete strangers one day to loving, caring, devoted family the next.  As I say this I want to make it very clear that loving a child is very different and separate from being bonded with a child.  We love B, we want to protect him, nurture him, and keep him from any harm – but we are not completely bonded with B yet.

 As a 9 year old boy, he would prefer that we don’t cuddle him – which would feel a bit awkward for us anyhowJ.  B is able to feed himself, bathe himself, and get his basic needs met without much help from us. Aside from transporting him, purchasing the food in the house, and providing him with shelter he could probably do very well without us in terms of meeting his basic needs for survival.  As much as we love B, we have found it so much harder to bond with him.  Bonding doesn’t just happen with older kids.  We have had to create intentional bonding opportunities that not only bring B into our world but also pull us into his. He has an entire history, a past that has not included us.  Not every day is a struggle. We rejoice in those moments when we know bonding and trust is being established; we see the difference the passing weeks makes in how we grow as a forever family.  Bonding may take more effort and more time, but we will diligently continue creating those moments with him. 

As much as I wish bonding with B was as easy as it was with Elena and TJ as newborns, I am also extremely thankful for the lessons God has been teaching us along the way.

The Growing Season

                In the Bible one of my favorite books is the book of Job.  The tragic story of a man weathering a multitude of storms; continuously facing trials and tribulations, only to overcome the suffering which brings rejoicing and glory to God.  There have been seasons in my life that may not have compared to the magnitude of trials that Job had, but none the less were high classed hurricanes for me and my family. 

                The past few weeks I have felt as if our family was in the midst of a storm.  Two of our children have some pretty high needs and their needs have started taking a toll on us.  My weeks have consisted of being in the car from 7 am until 4:30 pm running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, completing missed school work, homework, social workers, on top of working full time, preparing for a week of camp with my 6^th graders, and maintaining a household of six. As you can imagine this has made for one exhausted and cranky mama!!  This kind of stress has a tendency of transferring over to my marriage as well, which only increases the strength of the storm.

                In the book of Job, Satan approached God and asked to test his servant.  Job lost his family, his wealth, his health, his status in the community, you name it, Job lost it.  The only thing Job never lost was his faith……  No matter the tribulation set before Job, Satan was never successful in his attempt to part Job from God.  I realize this past week that as we faced the testing and struggles of our children’s needs and the stress it placed on the entire family, including our marriage, we had to remain grounded in our faith and in what God was calling us to accomplish. 

Like the very special serotinus pine trees, the “storms” we faced the past few weeks were/are necessary for our growth.  These trees have special cones that will not release their seeds until they have been exposed to extreme heat.  In other words, if these trees do not endure a fire storm, their cones do not open to release their seeds for reproduction and growth will never happen. God has designed all of us to “grow” and “produce” after being refined in the midst of life’s storms.  With every storm we face and each season of sacrifice, God is able to use us in bigger and better ways, refining us so that we may bring Him glory and honor in all we do. 

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Find joy in your season of growth.

Impatiently Waiting?

About four and a half years ago Thad and I had started the process of getting licensed.  Boy did it feel like those months; awaiting the background checks, home study, and acceptance of our application, took an eternity! Very impatiently did we await our approval, calling and checking in to see if there was any way to speed up the process.  After all, I knew that there was that absolutely perfect child, “our” child, just waiting for us to be licensed so we could bring him/her home.  What in the world was holding up our license? Others who had gone through the PRIDE trainings with us already received theirs, how in the world did we not have ours???  For anyone who knows me well, I am not gifted in the area of patience.  I may be decently patient with my children, my students, other people, and so on, but when it comes to waiting for something that I really want……well let’s just say that I fail miserably at being patient. 

About six months ago a strong movement started in our church called “For the Least of These”.  This movement has inspired many families in our church to start the process of becoming licensed foster families. This past weekend, Thad and I were blessed to spend the evening with one of those families.  Naturally the conversations often gravitated towards our families, our jobs, and of course foster care.  As our friends discussed where they were at in the process, wondering when they would get their license, etc. it brought back many memories of our time of waiting.  In fact, in speaking with the other families who are in the process with our friends, they too are all very ready and wanting their licenses so that they can bring that child in need into their home.  Their hearts are ready and their home is open.  Still waiting is so unbelievably hard! 

Hearing of others impatient waiting surprisingly brings me joy.  Yes, I did indeed say that it brings me joy!  When others experience that impatient waiting Thad and I are given the opportunity to share our story.  I may think that my timing is perfect, but reality is that God’s timing is the ultimate and perfect timing. The timing and plan above all others!!  Had I been blessed with a child according to my timing I would have missed out on the most precious children ever!  Our license literally came through 3 weeks before our now 2 ½ year old son was born.  By God’s complete grace, the process to approve our license was held up by a few months because of various factors.  As impatiently as we waited, we learned a life lesson : James 1:17 “ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights……..” Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord”. 

Today I am still an impatient waiter, but my heart is reminded of the glory that comes when I accept the timing of God’s gifts.  When I find myself in the mode of impatience, I look into the eyes of my children and am reminded of how perfectly God orchestrated the creation of the Kittelson family.

Broken

You know that feeling when you have been working on a 1000 piece puzzle and you are really making some great progress?  You are excited, you are nearing the finishing line, you are proud, and you know that you have really persevered in order to complete that sucker.  Then you realize there are pieces to the puzzle missing, very necessary pieces.  Without those pieces you know that this puzzle will never achieve the beauty that was intended for it.  That is when the frustration of all the hard work you have put into this beautiful puzzle sets in. You suddenly find yourself replacing the pride you had in your work with anger and irritation towards those who have ruined your attempt to create a masterpiece.

                I have been feeling that frustration a great deal lately; ever since the state cut funding for the Children’s Administration.  These children are beautiful master pieces that are in need of all the support and services they can get.  I am very much aware of the fact that budget cuts are a necessity in our state.  However, I have really been struggling with the fact that this area of budgeting has been hit so hard.  I am finding myself beyond irritated with our state and their decision that makes supporting foster parents and especially the vulnerable children so much more difficult. 

                Thad and I are blessed that we are licensed through Tacoma Youth for Christ. This is a private foster care licensing organization that has been a critical foundation and support system for our family and many others.  As we have worked with both the state and YFC, we have witnessed a drastic difference in the amount of support provided between the two.  Our state social workers are rarely available to discuss any of the situations that arise, they have very strict hours and less work days that allowed for us to contact them, and when there was crisis after  hours, on the weekends, or moments of complete frustration, behavioral issues, etc. they were not there as a support system.  I am sure this comes as no surprise but it seems as though the times you need to contact your social worker are the times they are not in the office.  For our family, YFC has been there in the middle of the night, after hours, and on weekends.  What a tremendous sacrifice these people make in order to support their foster families and the kids they service.  When we are burned out, frustrated and ready to throw the towel in, they are there. When we see a success in one of our children, they want us to share that with them.  This organization (as with other private agencies) is about the children, about the families caring for them, about supporting them, and fostering these children into the beautiful masterpieces they were meant to be.

                YFC has taken a 20% budget cut from the state.  Children’s Administration has been hit everywhere and the people suffering are these kids.  I am angry and frustrated because I would like to ask these state workers who they plan on having run this state in the next 20-30 years?  These children that are in our system, in need of Children’s Administrations services; they are our future. They are the future candidates of this country, the hopefully productive members of our society that will be independent and making differences in this world…….. Why then, is this where the state is cutting so much funding?  Why are they not thinking of the immediate effects of their decision, and even more so the detriment of our future if we continue in this direction; disregarding the needs of these children and the services that will aid in their growth and potential. 

                The harsh state of reality is that there is a much bigger problem in this picture.  Children’s Administration is not the only organization being hit with budget cuts and suffering. Truth is, the law enforcement agencies, health care, fire fighters, teachers, the elderly, the disabled, etc. are also receiving cuts and being gravely affected. The overspending of our government and individuals has created such a deficit that there is no clear cut answer.  Cuts have to be made, I understand that.  Someone will also suffer because of the cuts.  But my heart breaks as the children, who are our future, are sadly the imminent recipients of our broken state.

                In my frustration and venting, I ask for your prayers. Pray that organizations like YFC are able to receive outside funding in order to continue providing exceptional support, that their services are not hindered in any way and that the state is able to see the grave impact this budget cut has on the future of these children and our state.

Psalm 82:3

 Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.

He Is Calling You Too

Every now and then when we tell people that we are foster parents and that 3 of our 4 children are adopted, we get this admiring, “awe” preceded by the next admiring comment of, “You guys are amazing, I could never do that.”  Truth is that not everyone is meant to be a foster or adoptive parent and we are far from amazing. We have just been blessed with a calling to serve and to love vulnerable children. 

Quite frankly, it is probably better for someone to be honest with them self and acknowledge that they really aren’t called to foster and that it is perfectly okay.  In James 1:27 it states, “Religion that God our Father finds pure and faultless is this; to look after the orphans and the widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”  This passage of scripture is very clear in stating that we are being commanded to care for the orphans (and widows) of this world. It does not clearly state that we are all to adopt or do foster care.  None the less, He is calling you, all of us, into this ministry.

                I have to be completely honest; I am so very glad and thankful for those who are not called for fostering.  I know that may sound crazy, of course I want every child to be welcomed into a loving home, I want them to find a forever family; I want them safe, fed, nurtured, and loved.  However, if everyone were to embrace fostering, who would be there in the supportive roles that need to be filled?  I have so many friends who know that right now in their life they are unable to commit to being a foster parent; they know that they have no desire to be foster parents, etc. Whatever their reason, God has not placed this call on their heart.  These people have been blessed with a different, yet equal gift.  They have been given the gift of supporting those of us who are called to foster.  Without them, our job would be virtually impossible.

                Being a foster parent is not an easy task. Reality is that fostering requires a great deal of sacrifice from you and your forever family.  You bring a child into your home with the goal of nurturing, loving, and hopefully helping them heal.  That child may not want that from you, they may fight to bond and attach with you, they may resent you and your family.  He/she may have numerous issues that you have to deal with for several months or years before the healing can really begin and just when you feel like you have finally made some progress, it may just happen that they move out of your home only to start all over again.  There are days when Thad and I find ourselves questioning if we really listened to what God was asking of us, if we somehow confused the “signs” from God that we were seeing.  We experience complete and utter frustration where we feel as if we are failures in our own home, in our own calling.  This mission field is not for the meek.  We are not meek, we are not perfect parents, but we are capable and we are learning.

                It is in those moments when we feel we are failing, when we question our calling, that God sends His “Earthly Angels” to lift us up and restore us. Our support system; our friends who have not been called to foster are there for us, restoring our strength, providing respite or a meal, lifting us up in prayer, just as God has called them to do.  So yes, we are all called to care for the orphans, but I am so thankful that God did not call all of us to do foster care.

Healing Together

               

Anytime a new child enters our home, we know that with their few personal items (if any) they will also bring with them a great deal of pain and emotion.  We don’t always know much about each child, but we know that they are in our home because of some very horrible things they have experienced.  A child may come to us because of neglect, substance abuse in the home, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and so on.  We have no control over what they have gone through or how they will respond, but we have the chance and the choice to love them and provide them with a family situation, even if only temporary, that they deserve to experience.

Some of our foster children have experienced horrible things at young ages. Some of them have been lucky enough to have been removed before anything too tragic could happen to them.  Each child brings with them a new set of raw emotions and pain.  In loving them and caring for them, you can’t help but hurt with them.  Last weekend we could tell B was having a hard day. The pain of his past was very present in his eyes.  As a 9 year old boy it is very confusing and painful remembering the circumstances that placed him in state care many years ago.  What a challenge it is for a 9 year old to try and understand why he is in a new home after many years in another home prior to ours, or why his own biological parents aren’t able to care for him.  B’s past is his story to share if he ever chooses to with people in his life.  However, his story is also the story that brought him into our hearts and our home forever.

As we sat down with him and he opened up, sharing the wounds of his heart, I could feel my heart crying.  I may not have experienced what he went through, what he feels, etc….. but I am his mom and what he went through is my burden as well.  Although I have only been his mom for a few short months, I claimed him the moment I laid eyes on his profile. That day he became mine forever.  I love this boy and my heart wants nothing more than to protect him and take away the pain he feels.  I know he is happy to have a forever family, I know we are bonding and he is learning to love us as mom and dad.  That joy does not take away the pain he will feel for the rest of his life as he processes the series of events that he has experienced, as he questions the choices of the past adults in his life. 

B is my oldest son, my newest child, and as we embark on this journey of being a forever family, I will hurt with him.  I will experience his pain with him and be there for him like no one has before.  We will hurt together and we will heal together.

Lord, I lift up my son to you. I pray that you embrace him and comfort him each day of his life. I pray that you enable the healing of his heart and that Thad and I have the wisdom to address his pain in an effective and loving way.  I thank you for choosing B for us and us for him.  We love him so much and are thankful that you love him even more. May his life’s experiences be used to glorify you, Lord.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

Being a FAB Mom

                I realize that my title can cause one to think that I am boasting about myself. However, this is not the case.  We may assume that FAB is being used to represent the term “fabulous”.  I am far from seeing myself as a fabulous mom.  I definitely have my moments where I am a pretty darn good mom but rarely do I exceed my own expectations of what a fabulous mom is.  So what does FAB mean? For me, it represents being a foster, adoptive, and bio mom. 

                I see myself as a fabulous mom if I am able to work full time, keep a tidy home (with the dusting done and windows washed), no dishes in the sink, managing the homework of all the children without even a hint of irritation or impatience, someone who showers daily and hits the gym at least 2-3 times a week, healthy dinners on the table, lunches made, laundry done, and still has time to play with the kids and the hubby.  A pretty hefty expectation of myself isn’t it?  Funny thing is I don’t have this same expectation of other moms.  I see the hard work of other moms, I respect that hard work, I relax in her home when her house is not spotless, I feel a sense of relief when she is frustrated with her children or when she complains about homework.  I want to reach out and support this mom, lift her up in prayer, give her words of encouragement, take her kids for a few hours so she can have time to herself, take her out to coffee, etc.  In fact I very much enjoy being able to support other moms.  So why am I unable to receive the help and support myself?  The support that will help me to be what I view as a fabulous mom.

                When we got word that Brandon was officially able to move in with us we eagerly drove to his state for the weekend, packed up his stuff and made our journey home as a family of 6.  For our family, weekends are the time when we grocery shop, really clean the house, catch up on laundry, errands, etc. As you can imagine being gone the entire weekend left our fridge empty, chores, and errands undone.  Two of my close friends who are also foster and adoptive parents borrowed our house key while we were away and decorated our house in a manner to surprise and welcome Brandon.  Not only did they do that, but they also put a meal in our fridge for when we came home Sunday evening, knowing full well we wouldn’t have time to prepare dinner for the family.  They knew the support we would need.  They even went above and beyond and established a meal train for the following week and a half.  I am not good at accepting help…….I just don’t do it well and I resisted.  I supposed I expect myself to meet unrealistic expectations.  God is teaching me, growing me….My friend Sarah who established the meal train fought my resistance. I am so thankful she did! Her words, “Nicole, you are a leader of our ministry, of the support dinners.  If you don’t accept support and help from others, how can you expect others to accept it?”  DUH!!!!  How could I?  God is growing me in the expectations I have for myself, God is teaching me that accepting support does not mean I am incapable, weak, or a failure of any sort.  Quite the contrary, it means that I am strong in who I am, I am secure enough to accept the help being offered, and I am smart enough to know my limitations. 

                As a foster and adoptive mom, my support system is what gets me through each day.  I have learned over the years that surrounding myself with those who believe in me, believe in our calling, and accept me for my humanness are the ones I need to fill my life with.  Those with good intentions just don’t make life any easier.  When I am frustrated, when I am struggling, when I need to vent, I don’t need the response “well you guys are the ones who chose to do this” or “maybe you should think about not doing this anymore”.  Of course we chose this, we love this, but it doesn’t mean it is going to be easy and that we won’t need support.

 I still struggle with accepting support, but I am getting better. God is creating many opportunities for me to practice this new skill.  I am a FAB mom, and this time I do mean fabulous.  My love, advocacy, and life are based around my family and what they need – that makes me fabulous – not perfect – but definitely fabulous.  God has blessed me with a church family, family, and friends that have helped me achieve that title. 

Warning: Proceed with Caution - Adopting Out of Your Birth Order

When we entered into the world of foster care and adoption we established some basic rules.  Our number one rule – we don’t adopt or foster out of our birth order……..Simply put, we believed that a birth order was not to be messed with, it helps establish roles in a family and then there is no confusion for the children about their position in the family. 

It wasn’t long before our rule was challenged.  In October, God grew a 9 year old in our hearts, a young man 6 months older than our eldest child.  This posed a problem in our mind, it went against our rule.  Still, God placed it on our heart to view his profile, his pictures, to hear his story.  We did so with open hearts and the entire time we felt as if God was calling us to pursue adopting this child.  Oh the struggle we faced with going against rules we had established but that rule could not be held up by anything biblically so we had to make a decision; trust God and throw the rule out, or ignore the Spirit speaking to our hearts. Over the next month we prayed daily that if this was not God’s will that the doors close and that if it was His will that all hearts were prepared for the transition to follow.  The day before Thanksgiving a committee determined that of the families pursuing Brandon, we were the perfect match and selected us as his forever family.  It took 4 months before Brandon was able to permanently move in with us but in those 4 months we were able to Skype, have him every other weekend, prepare our family for the transition and pray about the changes to come.  The transition was going amazingly well, far better than we could have anticipated. The kids loved him, wanted him to move in immediately, and Brandon adjusted as if this was always his home.

                Four months of preparing, four months of discussing what changes were going to happen with our children and we felt confident that things were going to be pretty smooth, well relatively smooth at least. We made this decision as an entire family through prayer and petition.  It was apparent that our children were just as on board for this as we were.  We thought about how this birth order change was going to affect our oldest daughter and we came up with some plans to initiate in order to help her adjust.  Or so we thought at least. 

                In looking back I realize that we were in a sense looking through a telescope.  If you imagine yourself peering through a telescope into space you are able to clearly see a small picture of what space is.  That small picture is clear, but you have to span around in order to see any other parts of space. The big picture, the whole picture is unable to be seen while looking through that telescope.  Yet, peering from Earth without it, the whole picture isn’t clear, it is out of focus.  You can’t see in clarity until you are directly upon it, until you have entered space and are in the midst of it.  That was us. We were seeing only a small part of this change and the affects clearly. We had yet to be in the midst of the change. 

                It wasn’t until Brandon had been living in our home for a couple of weeks that we started to see things clearly.  Man did we feel like kicking ourselves when we realized we hadn’t fully realized and been proactive about the impact this change would have.  We knew Brandon and Elena would be in the same classroom – we thought that was a good thing for him, a blessing.  We knew they would be in the same Sunday school class – again we thought that would be a good thing for his transition.  What we couldn’t see is that this was not a blessing for Elena. After a day of holding her while she cried and witnessing the resentment she was starting to feel towards him we realized that we were finally in the midst of the whole picture and could see in clarity.  Elena wasn’t just in the same classes as Brandon, she suddenly was sharing her parents, her siblings, her home, her teachers, her friends, her gymnastics, her entire day had Brandon in it. The only thing she had to herself was her bedroom.  Everything else now included her new brother.  We didn’t think about her friends spending more time with him than her at recess, we didn’t think about the fact that they are only 6 months apart and therefore will always be in the same classes, sharing all the same people in their lives.  We couldn’t see that her typical routine of being the first one awake in the morning and enjoying her favorite television show would now not exist because Brandon wakes even earlier than her and turns on his show.  Our daughter was feeling squished out of her home, her life.  We had not prepared for this.  As much as we tried to see the whole picture, we have truly learned that until you are in the midst of it, nothing is clear.

                In Elena’s mind, this was her house first and truth be told, it was.  Now it is also Brandon’s house.  We have worked diligently to be mindful of how this change is affecting every part of her life.  She is not the eldest child anymore, but she is still the oldest daughter. We have given her the largest bedroom to honor that. As much as we are against televisions in the bedrooms, we placed one only in her room to allow her the ability to continue her morning routine in a manner that cannot be affected by Brandon.  We have kept her counselor separate from Brandon’s.  She and I have a special lunch date every Thursday that does not include any of her siblings. It has been our goal to stop looking through a telescope and to be more tentatively aware as we enter into the moments.  In doing so, we have seen some very wonderful and positive changes.  We know this is just the beginning and that unclear moments that we have not prepared for will arise.  Blessed is our family though that God has chosen each of us to be a Kittelson and He will see us through this entire journey.