"I Do"

“I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

May 18th was the 14th anniversary of Thad and I being together. Now this was not our wedding anniversary but the anniversary of when we started dating.  As the memories of our dating resurfaced I also began remembering the days when we finally said, “I do”.  At that moment when we became husband and wife we made a choice, a vow, to love each other no matter the circumstances, no matter how stubborn one of us is or isn’t, no matter how poor or wealthy we were.  We committed ourselves until death do us part.  We entered into a covenant that said, “I will not give up on you, I will not give up on us.”  Getting married was amazing, it was beautiful, it is also a lot of work and at times very hard.

In some ways I view foster care and adoption like a marriage. You go into a relationship with another human being, one you know slightly, if at all, but you know that you love and want to love them and you earnestly want to commit yourself to them.  So why is it that we are reading tragic stories of families sending their adoptive child back to the country they were adopted from; placed on a plane, alone, to be dropped off to no one, to a country they don’t even know anymore? Why are families adopting a child only to turn around and place them back up for adoption?  I get it, parenting isn’t easy.  Raising children takes time, patience, resources, support and so much more, but where is that dedication, where is that “till death do us part”? 

We have adopted 2 children and are in the process of adopting a third.  In fact, our third adoption is one where we did not even know the child before making a commitment to him.  The road of adoption is not easy, you do not know what issues or struggles you will be faced with.  Reality is that you don’t know what you will face with your own biological children. Would those same people shipping their adoptive children off do the same with their own biological children if they were more challenging then they anticipated? 

I have said this before, adoption and foster care is not for the meek.  In my heart I feel like as foster/adoptive parents we too must say, “I do” to the children we bring into our hearts and homes.

“I, Nicole, take you , vulnerable and hurting child, to have and to hold, to love, to discipline, to cherish, to honor, respect, raise up in love, to nurture, to advocate for, to never give up on.  I promise to continue loving you even during challenging times, I will love you through those moments when I want to pull my hair out, when I am frustrated and exhausted, and in all this I promise to fully commit my life to you until death do us part.”

These past few months as we have gotten to know B and as we have grown together as a new and more complete family, we have been faced with many frustrations, struggles, and moments where we wonder if we are crazy for doing what we do.  No matter the struggles we face and will continue to face as we raise children who have lived in the system, who have “baggage” as many people call it, who have extreme needs (social, emotional, mental, educational, etc), Thad and I have made a covenant with these children.  There are moments where throwing the towel in would be so much easier and giving up would make life easier (but only for us).  God has placed these children in our lives for a reason and we take that placement very seriously.  When we feel overwhelmed and beyond frustrated, it is our vow that reminds us that love is a choice, working on a relationship takes work and sacrifice, and that time will bring about many blessings for these children as we continue to raise them up in love and not toss them aside because it is challenging.

I pray that more families make a pledge of commitment before entering into adoption. These children are not garbage you can throw away, they are the future of our country that need to be advocated for and cared for.  My heart prays for those children who have been tossed aside. I pray that they find that family that will love them completely and commit to them forever. I pray that they will know their value and worth is so much more than what has been demonstrated.

Ephesians 4:1-2 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.