Check Mate

 

               God seriously has the best sense of humor. I truly mean that, even with the slightest hint of sarcasm inserted! Every time I have mad e up my mind, set a firm and planted path or decision, He challenges me as if to say, “Check mate, what’s your next move?”  Of course my desire is often to just stick the path I feel is right for me, for our family; but Thad and I are diligent in praying and earnestly seeking God’s will…no matter how much we like our plans better.

                Five months ago we were a very noisy, busy, chaotic, and loving household of 6.  That magic number that can fill up two rows of seats on an airplane, fits perfectly at a large dining table in a restaurant (without adding a whole other table, which means waiting an extra 20 minutes to be seated), comfortably can sit on 2 sofas in the family room, ….you get the picture. A family of 6 felt like a large family but was still very comfortable.  Yup, our life was COMFORTABLE; which by definition means, being in a state of physical or mental comfort; contented and undisturbed; at ease.  Ahhhh…such a nice feeling.

                In early June God challenged us once again.  We had decided that we were a perfectly content family of 6 and that our adoption and possibly even our fostering days were coming to an end.  Life was settling into a routine, kids were adjusting, and we were feeling as though things were manageable even in the midst of the struggles you face when you have children who have experienced trauma, neglect, abuse and attachment disorders. Comfort settled in and then came the text, “Nicole, I know it’s late but call me once you get up, I have something exciting to tell you.”  For whatever reason I was still awake and seeing a text like that got me very curious and rather than responding in the morning, I responded then.  I was thinking that perhaps this friend I admired so much was just going to tell me that she was desiring to come work for YFC with me or something else very cool.  However, to my surprise and shock her response was nothing I could have anticipated.  The following words resonated fear in my heart, “I have a 13 year old girl that I think you should adopt.  Your family will be blessed by her and I feel like God is telling me you are the family”.  As my mind swirled around the thoughts of “What the heck? Are you crazy?  Funny joke, not!  Why us?  Are you sure you heard  God right?”  I respond with, “Wow, I don’t know about this. It will really have to be God’s will, we were really just discussing being done.”   

A week of prayer and conversation ensued as we battled the fears and uncomfortable angst of adding another child, especially a teen to our home.  Diligently we prayed, struggling with the questions of how will we afford a 5^th child; huge grocery bills, college funds, driving in 3 years, etc?  How will Elena do no longer being the oldest?  How will the rest of the kids react, adjust?  How will we fit the whole family at our dining table that seats 6?  How will we afford nice vacations, let alone fit on a plane?? Our fears were a matter of this world, not a matter of the heart, not a matter of what God can and will provide when we accept His challenge. 

 

As we looked at her photograph, her dark brown, beautiful and longing eyes called out to us and it was evident that she was to be our daughter. Rendering all control to God we stepped out in faith, saying “yes” to this gorgeous teen who is filled with so much humor, spunk, and love.  After all, there is always room for one more, as my mother in law loves to remind us.  .

We were certain five months ago that our family was complete, that we had the most ridiculously beautiful family there could be. Saying yes was scary. It was hard and uncomfortable.  When Jesus chose to die for our sins, he did not die a convenient and comfortable death; he endured the most torturous death one could ever experience.  As a believer we are not called to lead comfortable lives, He desires us to grow, and to bear our crosses daily.  Luke 9:23  ²³ And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. ²⁴ For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”  Bringing our daughter home has blessed us in ways we could never have foreseen.  She has made our family even more beautiful and complete.  I have one more best friend in my home that I get to call my daughter.  How empty our hearts (and hers) would be had we settled for comfort.

When Love Isn’t Enough

 

                (For those of you who have been reading my blogs, the majority of them come from a place of strength or while in a place of learning and growth.  This blog is a little different. Today I write from a very vulnerable place and from a position of heart ache.  I am raw with grief and frustration.  Our fostering and adopting journey is real and some may disagree with what I am writing, but this is my journey and this is where I am at.)

                I have come to realize that although well intended in my beliefs about this world, I can be very naive.  Over the last couple of months so many things have unraveled before my eyes.  Chaos has crept into every part of my being and has left me really questioning if love is enough.  Don’t take this the wrong way, I still firmly believe that love is what allows healing, love conquers all, love is desired by everyone – even those who are incapable of accepting it or giving it.  Love is the essential “fatty acid” of our existence and our souls.  But in my naïve nature of believing I can “save the world” with enough love, I have landed smack on my face.  Sometimes the reality is that love isn’t enough…

                In our years of being foster parents and caring for those who are in the care of someone other than their biological parents, we have used love to help kids overcome and heal from the effects of trauma. Trauma is ugly…. Trauma is defined as “the condition that produces psychological injury.” It is the inflictor of scars on a person’s soul. Scars that cannot be masked, cannot be removed, cannot be forgotten.  Trauma can be big and it can be small but no matter the size, the details, the length of time it was inflicted or occurred, trauma changes a person.  At some point in our lives each and every one of us experiences something traumatic. It can present itself in the loss of a loved one, abandonment, war, neglect, abuse, etc. These moments are used to define who we are and who we become.  Some will use their experience to try and better themselves, help others, and grow. Others become captives of their trauma – not always by choice. Their trauma takes hold of them and imprisons them; keeping them from being able to move forward, starving them of affection, meaningful relationships, security……LOVE….and so much more. 

                Thad and I have welcomed many trauma “victims” into our lives; not only the children we have brought into our home but those we have been blessed to know through our friends that are also foster parents.  Over the years we have learned that no two children respond the same to the trauma they experience.    Some of the children have this amazing strength and resilience about them and they respond to the nurturing, love, and services of their social workers, foster parents, and even the changes that their birth parents are making.  Other children struggle for years attaching and bonding with the family they are adopted into, some need intensive therapies and never fully overcome the scars marring their soul and causing them to struggle for the rest of their lives.

                The intense scars of trauma are alive and breathing within the walls of my home.  This scarring is none like I have ever experienced before. I have heard of trauma like this, you know those ‘rare’ cases. I believed that the love we could give and pour upon children would make a drastic difference in aiding children as they fight their trauma.  I believed that loving someone enough, pushing them to be their best, pouring out myself to the point of exhaustion would somehow help that child overcome their trauma, help them to learn how to receive and accept love, help them to learn how to reciprocate love, I believed it would help them start to heal.  My heart breaks as I write this because I have hit the wall of reality, full speed ahead.  This collision of reality and hope has created a chaos within me that I can’t seem to get control of.  My love for a child cannot undo the years upon years of hurt, neglect, etc.  Loving a child who does not know how to accept love, who does not know what true love looks like, who fears love, and who has no idea how to love in return cannot overcome their trauma with love alone.  Oh how I wish love was enough. I would give anything for love to be enough right now.

                Trauma is the ugliest thing I have seen.  It rips the innocence from children and replaces the years of carefree bliss with fear, loss, pain, sorrow, and such deep-seeded grief that can truly rob a child of all hope and happiness.  Trauma cannot be simply overcome by love. We have tried that, we have put forth every ounce of love we have and it isn’t enough.  I want to scream and shake those birth parents who cause this trauma for these kids, I want to plead with them to refrain from damaging the spirit of their child. I want to beg them to rethink their actions, the situations in which they place their innocent children. I want to show them the end result of what their actions will do.  My heart shatters for those who have been broken by trauma.  At this moment I feel like I have failed because I am incapable of gluing those pieces of brokenness back together. Logically I know I did not inflict this upon this child, but I desperately hoped our love would be enough. I believed that love had the power to heal all wounds; but love is only a part of that healing. Sometimes the wounds of trauma are so deep that intensive therapies are needed even more than love. Sometimes the wounds are too deep to ever reach….

Dear Heavenly Father,

 You know these children, you know their pain. I know full well that my love will never be enough but Lord your love is.  Your loved exceeds all other love and your love can heal all things.  I ask Lord that your healing takes place in the souls and spirits of these victims. I pray for the strength to continue loving without avail and for that love to have a positive impact on those it is poured out upon. I pray for the future of these children, for their protection.

In Jesus Name,

Amen