"I Do"

“I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

May 18th was the 14th anniversary of Thad and I being together. Now this was not our wedding anniversary but the anniversary of when we started dating.  As the memories of our dating resurfaced I also began remembering the days when we finally said, “I do”.  At that moment when we became husband and wife we made a choice, a vow, to love each other no matter the circumstances, no matter how stubborn one of us is or isn’t, no matter how poor or wealthy we were.  We committed ourselves until death do us part.  We entered into a covenant that said, “I will not give up on you, I will not give up on us.”  Getting married was amazing, it was beautiful, it is also a lot of work and at times very hard.

In some ways I view foster care and adoption like a marriage. You go into a relationship with another human being, one you know slightly, if at all, but you know that you love and want to love them and you earnestly want to commit yourself to them.  So why is it that we are reading tragic stories of families sending their adoptive child back to the country they were adopted from; placed on a plane, alone, to be dropped off to no one, to a country they don’t even know anymore? Why are families adopting a child only to turn around and place them back up for adoption?  I get it, parenting isn’t easy.  Raising children takes time, patience, resources, support and so much more, but where is that dedication, where is that “till death do us part”? 

We have adopted 2 children and are in the process of adopting a third.  In fact, our third adoption is one where we did not even know the child before making a commitment to him.  The road of adoption is not easy, you do not know what issues or struggles you will be faced with.  Reality is that you don’t know what you will face with your own biological children. Would those same people shipping their adoptive children off do the same with their own biological children if they were more challenging then they anticipated? 

I have said this before, adoption and foster care is not for the meek.  In my heart I feel like as foster/adoptive parents we too must say, “I do” to the children we bring into our hearts and homes.

“I, Nicole, take you , vulnerable and hurting child, to have and to hold, to love, to discipline, to cherish, to honor, respect, raise up in love, to nurture, to advocate for, to never give up on.  I promise to continue loving you even during challenging times, I will love you through those moments when I want to pull my hair out, when I am frustrated and exhausted, and in all this I promise to fully commit my life to you until death do us part.”

These past few months as we have gotten to know B and as we have grown together as a new and more complete family, we have been faced with many frustrations, struggles, and moments where we wonder if we are crazy for doing what we do.  No matter the struggles we face and will continue to face as we raise children who have lived in the system, who have “baggage” as many people call it, who have extreme needs (social, emotional, mental, educational, etc), Thad and I have made a covenant with these children.  There are moments where throwing the towel in would be so much easier and giving up would make life easier (but only for us).  God has placed these children in our lives for a reason and we take that placement very seriously.  When we feel overwhelmed and beyond frustrated, it is our vow that reminds us that love is a choice, working on a relationship takes work and sacrifice, and that time will bring about many blessings for these children as we continue to raise them up in love and not toss them aside because it is challenging.

I pray that more families make a pledge of commitment before entering into adoption. These children are not garbage you can throw away, they are the future of our country that need to be advocated for and cared for.  My heart prays for those children who have been tossed aside. I pray that they find that family that will love them completely and commit to them forever. I pray that they will know their value and worth is so much more than what has been demonstrated.

Ephesians 4:1-2 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Dreaming of Mother's Day

                When I was 3 years old I had a pretend mom living in my closet.  Most kids have an invisible friend, a special blankie, a lovey they cling to, something other than the sad story of an invisible mother.  This mom was the “mother” I turned to, that I talked to, that I played out the roles of mother and daughter with.  Unfortunately my mother chose a different life other than the one with her husband and two young children when I was just a year old.  I was raised by the most amazing, loving, and dedicated father a child could ask for, but even at the age of 3 I knew what it meant to be motherless.  It was at that age that I can vividly remember making the decision to adopt.  I remember holding my baby doll as I looked at it lovingly and telling my dad that I wanted to have a lot of money when I was “old” so I could own an orphanage and love all the kids no one else wanted to.  God was planting a major seed in that torn 3 year old heart. 

                My mother may not have been there to teach me right from wrong, to hold me when I hurt, to help me plan my wedding or anything else, but there is one thing she did teach me (even if unintentionally); she taught me what kind of mother I never wanted to be.  Because of the hurt and the abandonment I experienced with my own mom, God was able to mold me into a mother that is devoted completely to her children and to children who don’t have mothers.  He has blessed me with the ability to understand and have compassion for those who are in search of that unconditional love. 

                From that very young age, I knew that I was meant to be a mother.  If there was only one thing I could be, that was it.  God continued to plant the seed of adoption and foster care in my heart for years as I grew into a teen and then into a young adult.  Of course I had wanted biological children as well.  Becoming a mother was not easy for us.  We decided to try to conceive our own before ever pursuing adoption.  After 3 miscarriages and a lot of infertility, we knew that God was calling us to adopt first.  In the midst of the losses I definitely could not see the rainbow that was to soon follow the storm we were in, but looking back I am so thankful for those losses!  My heart may have broke into millions of pieces and with each loss a part of me felt like it died, but nothing can replace the healing and the miracle of the birth of our oldest and adopted daughter.  Her birth was a restoration of my faith, an example of God’s amazing glory and faithfulness, and just the beginning of our story and passion for the fatherless.  I became a mother with that first pregnancy but I did not get to live as a mommy until the moment of Elena’s birth.

                There are many of you out there that are either mothers (adoptive, foster, or biological) or possibly a woman that desires nothing more than to become a mother.  Today I want to tell you how thankful I am for the role that you have chosen, for loving your children with all of your heart, for bringing into the world a miracle and for everything you sacrifice daily to be the person your family  needs.  God has blessed you with the role of all roles, He has entrusted you with bundles of joy, chaos, frustration, and most of all love J.  You were chosen for those children and I am thankful that you have taken on that role. 

                This mother’s day I look at my beautiful children and I don’t need any gifts from my husband or any of my kids.  The greatest gift I could have ever been given is the blessing of being a mom. I am an adoptive mother, a foster mother, and a biological mother.  My heart became complete the day I became mommy.  I pray your heart is filled with joy on this day! May you have an amazing Mother’s Day!

Intentional Bonding

                Today we celebrated the 9^th birthday of our first child.  As I sat across the table from her at the restaurant of her choice, I joyfully fell back into the memories of that day when we first met her.  Prior to that day we had no idea if she were a boy or a girl, if her birth parents would lay eyes on her, fall in love and change their mind leaving our hearts empty.  We were so giddy and like little children awaiting the most anticipated gift ever as we entered the hospital. We pondered what she looked like, would we think she was the most beautiful baby in the world like all the other parents (and of course we did), would she realize we were mom and dad, would the name we picked out fit her??? One huge question that really weighed on us was; “Would we be able to bond quickly?”. After all, the nine months most parents have to bond with the child they are expecting did not happen for us.  Elena’s arrival was 6 short weeks after we learned about the possibility of adopting her. 

                I remember leaving that hospital a family, feeling so much love and protection for my princess.  As we drove down the freeway, an hour to our home from her birth place, I sat in the back with Elena as if it would somehow “protect” her from any potential harm.   Thad ever so cautiously drove in the right lane, under the speed limit, getting anxious and frustrated as each semi-truck “carelessly” drove past us.  Bonding with that newborn baby was easy; it came completely natural to her and to us.  That baby girl relied on us for her every need.  Her fuss, her gaze, the sweet and innocent coo, and even the smelly diapers and spit up drew us into her world deeper and deeper each day.  The act of cuddling, caring for, and comforting that bundle of sweetness did not require any intentional motives to bond, it just happened.  Simply put, bonding was effortless. 

                Lately Thad and I have had to face the reality that bonding is not always this natural, nor this easy.  Of course bonding is going to happen fairly easy when you bring a baby into your home, there are more ways for bonding to occur that you don’t even have to think about.  Bringing an older child into your home is drastically different; at least it has been for us.  It has been a little over 2 months since we welcomed B into our family. As hard as it is to admit, bonding has been more of a challenge than we anticipated.  Let me rephrase that, at times it has been so challenging that we question our ability to overcome it.  We know that God called us to this adoption, we trust that God will also carry us through the obstacles we face and will face from here on out.  But man can it be frustrating trying to figure out how to get from complete strangers one day to loving, caring, devoted family the next.  As I say this I want to make it very clear that loving a child is very different and separate from being bonded with a child.  We love B, we want to protect him, nurture him, and keep him from any harm – but we are not completely bonded with B yet.

 As a 9 year old boy, he would prefer that we don’t cuddle him – which would feel a bit awkward for us anyhowJ.  B is able to feed himself, bathe himself, and get his basic needs met without much help from us. Aside from transporting him, purchasing the food in the house, and providing him with shelter he could probably do very well without us in terms of meeting his basic needs for survival.  As much as we love B, we have found it so much harder to bond with him.  Bonding doesn’t just happen with older kids.  We have had to create intentional bonding opportunities that not only bring B into our world but also pull us into his. He has an entire history, a past that has not included us.  Not every day is a struggle. We rejoice in those moments when we know bonding and trust is being established; we see the difference the passing weeks makes in how we grow as a forever family.  Bonding may take more effort and more time, but we will diligently continue creating those moments with him. 

As much as I wish bonding with B was as easy as it was with Elena and TJ as newborns, I am also extremely thankful for the lessons God has been teaching us along the way.