Monday, May 7, 2012

Intentional Bonding



                Today we celebrated the 9th birthday of our first child.  As I sat across the table from her at the restaurant of her choice, I joyfully fell back into the memories of that day when we first met her.  Prior to that day we had no idea if she were a boy or a girl, if her birth parents would lay eyes on her, fall in love and change their mind leaving our hearts empty.  We were so giddy and like little children awaiting the most anticipated gift ever as we entered the hospital. We pondered what she looked like, would we think she was the most beautiful baby in the world like all the other parents (and of course we did), would she realize we were mom and dad, would the name we picked out fit her??? One huge question that really weighed on us was; “Would we be able to bond quickly?”. After all, the nine months most parents have to bond with the child they are expecting did not happen for us.  Elena’s arrival was 6 short weeks after we learned about the possibility of adopting her. 

                I remember leaving that hospital a family, feeling so much love and protection for my princess.  As we drove down the freeway, an hour to our home from her birth place, I sat in the back with Elena as if it would somehow “protect” her from any potential harm.   Thad ever so cautiously drove in the right lane, under the speed limit, getting anxious and frustrated as each semi-truck “carelessly” drove past us.  Bonding with that newborn baby was easy; it came completely natural to her and to us.  That baby girl relied on us for her every need.  Her fuss, her gaze, the sweet and innocent coo, and even the smelly diapers and spit up drew us into her world deeper and deeper each day.  The act of cuddling, caring for, and comforting that bundle of sweetness did not require any intentional motives to bond, it just happened.  Simply put, bonding was effortless. 

                Lately Thad and I have had to face the reality that bonding is not always this natural, nor this easy.  Of course bonding is going to happen fairly easy when you bring a baby into your home, there are more ways for bonding to occur that you don’t even have to think about.  Bringing an older child into your home is drastically different; at least it has been for us.  It has been a little over 2 months since we welcomed B into our family. As hard as it is to admit, bonding has been more of a challenge than we anticipated.  Let me rephrase that, at times it has been so challenging that we question our ability to overcome it.  We know that God called us to this adoption, we trust that God will also carry us through the obstacles we face and will face from here on out.  But man can it be frustrating trying to figure out how to get from complete strangers one day to loving, caring, devoted family the next.  As I say this I want to make it very clear that loving a child is very different and separate from being bonded with a child.  We love B, we want to protect him, nurture him, and keep him from any harm – but we are not completely bonded with B yet.

 As a 9 year old boy, he would prefer that we don’t cuddle him – which would feel a bit awkward for us anyhowJ.  B is able to feed himself, bathe himself, and get his basic needs met without much help from us. Aside from transporting him, purchasing the food in the house, and providing him with shelter he could probably do very well without us in terms of meeting his basic needs for survival.  As much as we love B, we have found it so much harder to bond with him.  Bonding doesn’t just happen with older kids.  We have had to create intentional bonding opportunities that not only bring B into our world but also pull us into his. He has an entire history, a past that has not included us.  Not every day is a struggle. We rejoice in those moments when we know bonding and trust is being established; we see the difference the passing weeks makes in how we grow as a forever family.  Bonding may take more effort and more time, but we will diligently continue creating those moments with him. 

As much as I wish bonding with B was as easy as it was with Elena and TJ as newborns, I am also extremely thankful for the lessons God has been teaching us along the way.

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